My Fertility Journey

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For those close to us, you already know the whole journey we had gone through in regards to having a child. You knew it was always something we pursued right from the very beginning but that it just didn’t happen for us as quickly. Now that my husband and I are going through a new journey, I thought I would write about what it has been like for us before we got to this point. I wanted to hopefully share some support and encouragement for those who are feeling let down or needing some hope while they are going through their own difficult journey.

I’ve always pictured myself getting married at 25, having a career before 30 and of course having children right after I got married. However, motherhood has eluded me for the past three years and it has been an emotional roller coaster with how our marriage life had been. Looking back at our journey, I honestly now realized that although it is definitely in God’s plans that I will conceive, at that time, it wasn’t ready to be given to us just yet. That we needed to build our faith first and wait on His plans for us rather than be lead with our own plans and timing.

See I’ve always been amused and somehow secretly detested how couples we know tell us they are waiting at least a year or two before having a child or having their second child and then a year later they have their “perfectly timed” baby. I thought, well at this point I just needed to have one, period! Then they give you the advice, the famous line “in God’s timing you’ll be a mom too!” Or how about the “enjoy it now, you might regret what you wished for since you can’t take them [kids] back later on!” Hearing this I thought, how can I possibly enjoy what I’m going through? If you only knew.

I knew the feeling well, I have gone through that numerous times. The waiting game, the long and arduous wait for that opportune “window” when the possibility of conceiving was high but at the same time still impossibly slim. The crushing disappointment when that dreaded plastic stick reveal only one line and the surging thoughts later that the whole process has to start all over again from the very beginning. I hated everything – the cost of buying the pregnancy kits, the ovulation kits, the painful needles when I had bloodwork, the endless dr’s appointments – they all have been time consuming. At this point I was crying for a miracle!

What also didn’t help was that I was diagnosed in 2012 with a heart shaped uterus (a septate uterus) which meant that instead of a balloon or pear shaped one like normal women, I have a uterus with a partial wall coming down from the top, exactly what a heart looks like. What does this have to do with conceiving for me? In my case, we had no problems conceiving. In fact, every year since 2013 I got pregnant. The issue isn’t on the conceiving part but the keeping it inside part that was challenging. Both years I got pregnant I was heartbroken as the pregnancy never progressed with the last miscarriage just as recent as November of last year. Researching more into the issue I learned that I had a higher chance of miscarriages or what the medical field termed spontaneous abortions as my dr has explained to me that if implantation occurred in the area where the wall was, that there was not enough blood supply to sustain a growing fetus.

I was devastated because this issue was something I can no longer control. I can’t direct where fertilization would take place in my uterus, I can’t drink something to make it go away, and I can’t just go through surgery knowing the risks and issues with scar tissues involved. It was a situation where I was losing hope after my second miscarriage and I was scared to go through that painful and emotional process again yet I still wanted a child so badly. I was beginning to doubt His goodness and His promises. I became someone I said I wouldn’t be. The one who congratulated new moms with enthusiasm but hidden behind that is someone hurt and jealous.

I’ve gone through sleepless nights of questioning myself, my role as a child-bearing woman in this society and not being able to fulfill that role. In all these times, I mostly questioned God, I questioned His plans for me and why I was in such a different and difficult situation with something so easily achieved by most women. In all these times, I could not do anything else at all but to just pray, sincerely and deeply pray.

I did a lot of reflection too. A lot of evaluation as to how my life had been for the past three years of marriage. This process has helped me heal the most because it was then that I saw how God’s hand has blessed my life in other ways which I overlooked, because I was so consumed in trying to have a baby.

Instead, I began to understand, as to why having a baby might not be God’s plan for us at the time.
I was in the middle of my undergrad degree and I was a few steps away from finishing. I realized that although it’s possible to be pregnant and graduate, that it was a difficult thing to do and I salute those that persevered and finished. The length of time also led me to evaluate my habits, my choices, and my routines and they spoke to me of someone who was not matured yet to take on a bigger, and more permanent role of being a mother. I was hesitant to give up my “me time”, for the moments when I can sleep in freely and stay up without worrying about another human being to take care of. I enjoyed having moments that I can schedule myself with other people and not be tied up with a little one. I especially loved the unplanned moments that my husband and I can take off for a long period of time and enjoy each other’s undivided attention. I realized that even if God really wanted us to have a baby back then, that I was probably unconsciously refusing Him and telling Him I wasn’t ready even if I thought I was.

It was like saying to Him “God please make me a mother but I still want to be able to do the things I want to do”. I realized it would not have been a fair life for a baby who would want 100% of its mother. I realized that God had to let me and my husband mature first because we are not ready to handle such a big role or maybe He was only testing us on what we need to give up first in order to receive a more greater pleasure of raising a child together compared to the moments of just us which we already thought were the best.

Finally, after our long and painful wait, and during the most unexpected moment of our marriage life, God finally said “you guys are ready”. As you can see, I am now 27 weeks pregnant and praise be to Him, I am doing well with this pregnancy and this baby is doing fantastic.

The intricate process of conception and birth astounds me. From a medical perspective, it’s amazing how single tiny cells can multiply rapidly and form another human being, a being who will have their own capabilities to think, make changes in this world and continue a generation. From a spiritual point of view, these tiny cells were programmed no doubt, designed with a greater purpose in mind, to form and magnify the splendid works of our creator. That is why they call it the miracle of birth. The way a woman’s body just knows how to adjust to another living being growing rapidly inside her. At times I still catch myself finding it hard to believe that I got a beautiful life taking shelter inside this broken body. This fulfilled promised has made us more closer as husband and wife and our faith in Him has increased exponentially. God really was working on His own time, never late but just perfect. My husband has been working out of town for six years and when his work ended, he has been back here since this pregnancy started. He has been my biggest help and supporter and I think that was also one of the reasons why God has made us wait for this blessing was because He wanted us to decide together that instead of sacrificing a relationship with distances apart, that we must raise this baby together as what He has purposed for us to do. I also finished my degree this past December and therefore I was no longer as stressed and in the end I realized that God fulfilled everything I had asked of Him. I just needed to wait patiently, to allow Him to take me to the depths of my despair and to keep following Him because He has carried me and my family into this beautiful path that we are now walking in. So if you are in that season of difficulty in your life and are waiting for your answered prayer, I’ve always thought back to what the leaders of the church have reminded us. That God’s delay in answering prayers does not always means no, that it is always yes and amen if it is according to His will. And that He is teaching us to fight a spiritual battle of doubt and hopelessness and to persevere because what He has planned for us is greater than what we thought for ourselves. He has already scripted a perfect ending for each of us, all of this will be revealed if we have faith and not grow weary.

The Last Five Minutes

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That remaining five minutes on the treadmill is always the most excruciating for me. I push myself to keep running, my heart beating so fast I can’t keep up, my lungs in the verge of bursting. I remind myself as I glance at the machine’s display that “it’s the last five minutes, you’ve been at this for the past forty-five minutes you can certainly finish the rest”, but then I look back at the time display and only 30secs have passed. Quickly, agony comes and I think, why am I torturing myself like this? Why can’t I just stop this dreaded machine instead of letting it run me down? Just push the stop button, it’ll all be over.

My eyes shift towards a picture of a fit model doing some squats and I remove my hand from the stop button. Maybe this is why I keep a fitness magazine beside me when I run. Distract myself, keep going, keep pushing. Meanwhile, my legs feel like they weigh a hundred pounds each. While this battle in my head is going on you’d think five minutes have passed…wrong, it’s only been two mins T_T I die a little more inside.

This have always been the case with me and running in the treadmill. It’s a love-hate relationship with a machine that tortures me so and yet allows me to consume as much food as I want as long as I don’t forget to get back on.

So what do I do to get out of such a dire situation? I’ve found myself an effective distraction method

Let’s see: in the mornings where I’ve hit the snooze button one too many times and am running late, I take the fastest shower I never think possible-five minutes. Some nights I like to glam myself up a bit more, I put on false eyelashes and by the time I’ve run out of patience and have grown frustrated, the lashes are perfectly in place and five minutes have passed. On a good morning, my coffee run usually takes me five fantastic minutes in the drive through. Scrolling through my newsfeed takes five minutes (sadly, even more so than that sometimes), heating up my car takes five minutes. Doing the dishes I’ve left in the sink for a week takes me a measly five minutes. By the time you finish reading this article it will probably be about five mins. of your time (thank you very much btw^^) In fact, while I kept doing this I found a lot of things that I normally do which takes me five minutes.

Next thing I know, the beeping of the machine distracts my thoughts. I look at the display and that’s it, the last five minutes are over. I slowly pick up my tired, wobbly legs and I make my way into the nearest bench I can find to collapse in. Once again, I survived another battle with the treadmill.

On to reflection, If I had given up in that last five minutes, I would have defeated myself out of the wonderful feeling of overcoming something difficult and gaining a sense of strength from that (not forgetting about losing those extra calories of course). If I had given up in that last five minutes, the next time I face the machine again, I might just give up after fifteen minutes. It will only get easier for me, easier to give up on the most difficult things just because it doesn’t feel comfortable, because it is easy to abandon and pick up next time. If this attitude continue to convey in how I live my life, what would life be like? Sometimes, it takes that last five minutes.

You are stronger than you think my dear ❤

Gets Easier Everyday

I guess I should post an update regarding my deactivation of Facebook. It’s been about….. Drumroll……

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Yes, THAT long! Hurrah!
This to me means I’ve reached another level. If you seem confused, refer back to my post back in Feb. and you’ll know why I’m this excited about it. Just like progress pics, I feel proud of being able to let go of this one addiction of mine, and feel happy that I can overcome such a feat. Trust, if you constantly log onto fb, you’ll know how hard it is to give up. It’s difficult for me to have discipline I’ll tell you now, but I just thought I’d try it for the months I’m in school and since it’s my last year in Uni, I needed to be even more focused. Yes, I can tell you how disconnected you’ll feel without knowing what’s going on with people most of the time, but you can reach out in other ways and it will give you more chances to schedule a coffee date rather than catch up thru fb. Yes, I can tell you how difficult it was trying to stop yourself from habitually reaching for your phone to look at your newsfeed, but you will find that it’s just as easy to find news online and have extra time in between spent doing things with value rather than mindlessly scrolling which I tend to do. Overall, it gets easier once you get through the first week hmmm maybe the second week… eventually it does and then you’ll thank yourself ❤

Ps.

Join me in my excitement as I countdown for our Asia Trip! For sure you'll see more post about travel rather than food all the time hehe

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Pps.

If you’ve given up Facebook (even temporarily like me) and can relate to this, I’d like to hear your thoughts about it.
Otherwise…
What’s one thing that you had to give up that was difficult for you? How did you manage that? Any tips you’d like to share?

Disconnected from the World

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I know, it sounds pretty serious and maybe even an exaggeration from me but, that is exactly how I felt today. Seven years of constant Facebook use does that to you. I had to do the unthinkable and deactivate my page..temporarily, so that I can focus on this last theory semester of my degree. I didn’t exactly cut off all forms of social media as I kept my IG and of course I’m still running this blog, but I felt I had to cut off an important piece of my life in order to get back MY life. Today is the first of many days to come bearing withdrawal feels. I didn’t realize I constantly access FB as much and had become a staple of my everyday routine: wake up in the am- Facebook before getting out of bed, get ready and dressed-quick scroll on fb to see what’s happening, warm up the car before leaving for school-open fb again to post a status… now imagine this routine doubles as the day unfolds and multiply that by 365 days of each year I’ve been a member, and if FB charged a user a fee per access, I would go broke trying to fund this insane addiction. These unconscious habits were a huge part of my life and I feel sad to admit, I painfully miss the feel of scrolling that news feed and knowing what’s going on with the people I know and love. Today, I caught myself reaching for my phone multiple times unconsciously and was about to open the app (which I deleted by the way) and as soon as I realized, I immediately placed my phone back in my bag and refocused (you know you’re addicted when…lol). It sounds ridiculous but I did feel cut off, I thought I wasn’t going to last a full day without it (especially since I have used it everyday for 7years), but I was surprised at myself to have lasted a day without giving in and re-downloading the app. I know, it’s too early to talk, but I am confident that when I slowly fill my day with all the things I have to do for school and distract myself with the tangible and fun things around me, I will slowly get over that habit which had unconsciously taken over my life. One thing I realized right away as soon as I deactivated my page though… I had all this time, so much time, for myself and everything else I needed to do today and I was able to do them all.

Parting Thoughts:

Have you or do you know someone who is as obsessed with Facebook like I was? And did they try to kick this habit and succeed or not? Let me know in the comments below^^

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